One Coach's Learnings

In our last issue, Board of Director member Shirley Hord wrote about learning to be a coach or a client. This is one coach’s musings on the changes I have seen in my own coaching practice since becoming a CFR coach.

Before:
Coaching for me has always been about helping others. I listened pretty well, did a good job paraphrasing and questioning to check my understanding of what was being said. Once I had clarity, I could come up with lots of ideas and suggestions for the other person to try, often based on what had proven successful for me. I would share my stories and experiences as a way of empathizing and to show the person that I have been where they are. I think I was a fairly successful coach. The people I coached thanked me and told me that I had helped them. I felt good about myself.

Now:
I realize now that coaching isn’t about me, how I feel or how much I know. Coaching is really all about my client –what they feel, what they know and what they want. As their coach it is my job to help make that as explicit as possible so that they can achieve what they really want.

Listening is still the most important skill in my “coaches’ tool kit” but how I listen has changed dramatically. I am conscious at all times of the unproductive listening patterns I can easily fall into. I work to quiet the voice in my head that is perhaps really judging or criticizing my client, formulating my own “just like me” story, asking too many questions about things that aren’t important and brainstorming with myself all of the possible solutions to the concern I think I’m hearing. I now listen as fully and intently to my client as I possibly can. I listen to hear their passions, goals, desires and unexamined assumptions. I have learned to become more comfortable with silence – no easy feat for a high talker! Dave Ellis, in his book Life Coaching: A New Career for Helping Professionals (1998), describes what happens to people who are listened to fully.

“When people receive the gift of full listening, they start to speak freely about their upsets, their secrets, their anger, their sadness, their embarrassment – and then their passions. Full listening allows people to get past the obstacles to their creativity and to invent goals they care deeply about. When you listen fully, you assist people to move from the disappointments of the past to the joys of the present moment and to the creative possibilities for the future. When you listen fully, boredom can blossom into inspiring passion.”

But perhaps the greatest change in my coaching has been what I do with all that I have heard. My job as a coach is to be a mirror for my client. My coaching work is about reflecting back to my client what they have said so they gain greater clarity as to what it is they really want – their purpose or goal. I go through a multi-step process with my clients. It isn’t a “lock-step process” by any means. Each client is an individual with different needs. In general though the process goes like this: I start by asking my client what it is they want to celebrate since we last spoke and we take time to really appreciate whatever it is. Next I usually ask them what they want to focus on in our current conversation. I ask them to “tell me more” so that they can explore their thinking in greater depth. Then I reflect back them to them what they have just said. Next, I usually ask “so what do you want?” and again ask them to “tell me more” so that they can gain greater insight into what that really is. Once again, I reflect back what I have heard them say. My next question is usually “so what do you think you want to/can do?” And here is where I have noticed another tremendous change in my coaching. My clients can usually think of something that they want to do but instead of stopping there and jumping on that solution I ask them “what else can you do?” several times. They generate a much richer list of strategies or actions that they can take to get what they want. When I ask them to choose one action from their list to try first it is hardly ever the first one they came up with! A coaching conversation usually ends with asking my client what has been most important to them in our conversation and then I will also share what I have learned from them.

In the past, I judged my coaching performance by the quality and sometimes quantity of advice I gave. The best accolade I could receive was when I heard “ I did what you suggested and it really worked.” Now I judge my coaching by how much and how well I listened and by the brilliant ideas and insights my client generated for themselves. And the best accolade is when I say to myself after the conversation “Wow! I was in the presence of brilliance just now.”

By Riva Korashan

"Continued Leadership collaboration in New York City"

TRAINING OPPORTUNITIES

NOTABLE QUOTES

Appreciation: At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Albert Schweitzer

God doesn't look at how much we do, but with how much love we do it.

Mother Teresa

NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES

http://www.coachingschoolresults.com/newsletters/index.html

Newsletter Editor & E-News Contact, Kathryn Kee, Board Member