The Language of a Leader

Several years ago, when my mother lived in a nursing home, I used to call my husband on the phone after a long day at work. “Honey,” I’d say, “I have to go visit mom before I come home.”

Can you hear the “have to” feeling I had in my voice? It was there. The subtext might have been, “(Sigh), It’s been a long day and now there is one more (rather unpleasant) thing I feel obligated to do.” The underlying message to myself was that something outside of me was making me do this (dutiful daughter image?), and if given a choice, I wouldn’t do it on my own. It was a “must” in my life.

Then I attended a coaching workshop that talked about the importance of language. I discovered just how powerful our words are! They define who we are—our geographic region, education level, and interests. They affect how others perceive us—we are harsh or kind, proud or humble, strong or weak. The words we use, with ourselves and others, have the power to shape how we think (you’re smart; you’re not college material, you’re just like your father).

As I listened to my language over the next few weeks, I was amazed at how often it sounded like victimhood rather than commitment. I did not want the time I had left with mom to feel like martyrdom. I moved my language from “have to” to “want to.” It signaled my desire to choose to be present for my mom. The talk in my head changed and I showed up differently. My intention was to BE with mom as frequently as my schedule allowed.

As leaders, we have lots of obligations in our lives and we frequently obligate others. So when we talk about these obligations, it is important to choose our words with intention. We have a responsibility to convey the attitude and meaning we really want to deliver.

Rather then conveying the heaviness of obligation, we can frame tasks as worthwhile or for a greater purpose. Moving, “I have to do this report,” to “I want to do this report to contribute to the best possible solution,” or, “I want to be a good team player in this district,” changes the language from obligation and victimhood to possibility and preference. The locus of control is within you; you are choosing to do this for a good reason.

At the same time, we don’t want the “possibilities” and “preferences” we take on to lead us to plan and promise more than we can fulfill without struggle. When that occurs, we have over-promised, and put ourselves back into the mode and language of obligation. “I HAVE to do this because I promised that I would.”

As leaders, it is important that we be intentional about our language. Working with a leadership coach can help us ensure that our messages are clear. A coach will help us reduce the amount of “obligation” we have in our language without over-promising our commitments. Then we can convey the attitudes and presence we want ourselves and others to bring to the workplace.

Marceta Reilly is a former superintendent and educational leader.  She is a founding member of Coaching School Results and serves on the CSR Board of Directors.  For more information on Marceta Reilly, go to www.coachingschoolresults.com and click on coaches.

*Leaders can learn more about the coaching process and extend skills to implement coaching by attending one of our upcoming seminars. See details below.

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