| Volume 1. Issue 7 | NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2005 |
Bracketing Your Requests To Get What You Want
An important skill to develop in order to get what you want either personally or professionally is to be able to tell the difference between making a negotiable request and making a non-negotiable demand. Do you remember the conversation that you had that was a half-hearted or off-handed remark that you made hoping that the other party would “get it?” Do you remember being resentful when you did not get the response that you had hoped for? What is that conversation that you know you must have with someone that you haven’t been able to bring yourself to discuss? One of the most difficult things to do as an effective leader or in our personal lives is to state clearly what we really want and then to put brackets around our requests so that others know when we expect a response and what kind of response we expect.
In attempting to communicate more clearly one must first determine what
it is they want. Secondly, they must determine what it is they have communicated
to the other party. Often it is not what was intended. Third, they must
determine what it is they want to communicate to the other party. And
finally, they must improve the communication based upon the gap
between what is communicated and what they want to be communicated by
bracketing
the new request with time limits and indicators of what they want accomplished.
In the event an emergency comes up as it often does in our line of work,
it’s fine for either party to renegotiate the day and time in question.
This is how one more clearly communicates rather than leaving intentions
dangling.
There are several examples that are illustrated below. In one situation,
a superintendent wants her second in command to go and find a job as
a superintendent in another district. While she feels that her second
has a lot to offer, she feels they no longer fit together as a team
and she knows she would be happier if her second in command sought her
own superintendency.
In another example,
the principal wanted the intern to take the initiative to schedule a
meeting with him so they could plan
the intern’s experience.
The principal was disappointed and baffled that the intern was not picking
up his hints!
In a third example, the superintendent wanted his deputy to read an
important document and tell him what he thought of the program. He gave
him the paper and said, “here read this and tell me what you think.” Two
weeks later he was still wondering what his deputy thought of the paper.
The following examples illustrate ways communication can be improved by stating clearly what you want. Have the courage to clearly communicate your wants to the other party by putting brackets on your requests to convey to others that your request is not idle talk, but is something that you clearly want.
| Example #1 | |
| What he/she really
wants
...
The superintendent wants the second in command to go and find another
job so she can hire a better fit to her vision and style. |
And what it communicates
...
She has given her additional responsibility with the same pay. They
continue to have flare-ups with each other about the course to
take |
| Desired communication
...
“ I
value your leadership, but I do not think that our styles are
compatible. I think you are ready to have your own
superintendency
and I will make every effort to support you as you go out and
try your wings.” |
Bracketed Language
...
“ Please
let me know when you apply and I will write a letter of recommendation
for you. If you have not found something
else by the next school
year, we will renegotiate your contract and try to find a better
match for your skills within the district.” |
| Example #2 | |
What he/she really wants ... The principal wanted the intern to take the initiative and act like an administrator. |
And what it communicates ... The principal offhandedly in the hall said to the intern, “we’ll have to get together to talk about your internship.” The intern assumed he would come and get her when he was ready to talk. |
Desired communication ... The principal had some specific assignments that he wanted the intern to take care of right away. |
Bracketed Language ... With calendar in hand he could say, “I’d like to meet with you on Thursday morning from 8:00-9:00 to outline your internship with you. If that time doesn’t work, let’s pick another time.” Or, he could say, “ I would like to set several dates when we can conference about your internship. Which dates work for you?” |
| Example #3 | |
What he/she really wants ... The superintendent wanted his deputy to read an important document and tell him what he thought of the report. |
And what it communicates ... He gave him the paper and said, “here read this and tell me what you think.” The deputy took it as a casual request that they would discuss sometime! Two weeks later the superintendent was still waiting. |
Desired communication ... “I need to make a decision about action on this report within two weeks. I want your input as to whether we should buy it or not.” |
Bracketed Language ... He could phrase his request as a nonnegotiable by simply saying, "Here’s a report I’d like you to read. Please give me an executive summary by (date).” Or “I’m scheduling a meeting with you and others to discuss the implications of this report on (Date). Please read it and be prepared to offer your opinions.” |
By Diana Williams
CONTACT
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OF INTEREST ...
Book of Interest: Steven Covey has revealed his latest work…The 8th Habit after defining his 7 Habits of effective leaders over a decade ago. In his 8th Habit, Dr. Covey pushes effective leaders to be truly great by…
- finding their voice and inspiring others to find theirs…by
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- turning an organization's top goals into action
NOTABLE QUOTES
If
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doesn't go off in the morning.
There
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Purpose
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Focus
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Seeds of Greatness By Denis Waitley
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